I can feel the sadness grip me
literally feeling like hands wrapping around my chest
claws tearing into my flesh
splitting me in two until I can no longer keep the tears in
only a quick gasp escapes with the initial burst
silently then they pour forth
mutedly they continue to burn down my face falling onto my heaving chest
I struggle to catch my breath
as quickly as the intense melancholy is brought on
it leaves me; tear streaked and alone
so confused
still morose
finally able to breathe
What do you do when you're at home
saying you want to go home?
What do you do when you remember
the last time you did that?
What do you do when you feel
the world you've made crumbling?
What do you do when you can't stop yourself?
Do you look out onto the same stars?
Do you see the same moon?
the night wraps us both
So freeing in its darkness,
so suffocating in its stillness.
The city lights are dimming
people are retreating
the sidewalks quiet
Every noise seems alien
Are you seeing the same night?
Looking out your window
searching for the meaning that escapes your logic
Am I alone tonight?
Staring at these stars
apart for now
distance too real
But am I alone?
Or are you seeing and feeling this?
I crave the dark
the night and all it gives me
Hiding away
being alone as the world sleeps
You weren't supposed to share it with me
Weren't suppose to feel the same
I wasn't to feel peace in you at night
the night was mine
You've taken my night away
razed the serenity I had there
Now the night sees me crumble
the tears that lead to my sleep
I craved the darkness
and now I'm lost in the night
Fate is cruel; she's heartless
The lessons were to have been learned
it was so much so fast..
I should've known better,
than to accept it,
than to trust it to stay.
I know better, I do
I just didn't want to know.
When the memories are ripping you apart
When the pain is insufferable
When the thoughts of what was turn to nightmares
Depriving you of peace at night
Keeping you desperate to be awake
Is it really better to have loved and lost?
Prove it when every night is torture
the chords of music you can't hear
soundtrack to my world
melodies to sooth both rage and sorrow
music that changes for each encounter...
achingly sad
exceedingly joyful
the power of unheard sounds
perhaps it plays silently across the eyes
if only I could share such beautiful harmonies
let everyone listen so they may know
if the world truly sounded so...
what would I learn to hear the music of those around me
strains of notes fill my mind's ears
background to dreams and fantasies
secrets for me alone
impishly I adore the silent music
and at the end of it all
I stand here alone
heart in hand
bleeding tears down
while the world continues
as it was
as it will be
two by two
I give up
never thought it would come to this
life has beaten me
and I give
how long should I have to wait?
to know that which I seek?
to stop knowing,
in Excruciating detail,
all that I know now?
seems so long already
there's a point when you can't
a breaking point
and I've passed mine long ago
kept going
kept searching
with the blind faith of a woman possessed
Desperate to find what I thought should exist for me
never thought life would win
always assumed I'd make it
be Stronger for all that I've passed
I give up
never thought it would come to this
life has beaten me
and I give
Mercy
Can't seem to sleep
Suppose I'll cry instead
feel my stomach knot
forhead wrinkle
Lips curl
Pick a thought, so many to choose from
like a flea market of damaged goods
laid out on display for perusal
Any one will do,
always more if the choice just won't work
Feel the burn and swell
First tear on my cheek
so many more to follow
Letting them out as I pick through the crowd at the table
who will get the best of the bunch?
What options do I have?
Cry softly until there's nothing left
Or until the descent into sorrowful slumber
whichever comes first
it's not worth it
not worth the tears, frustration, and sadness
a person is whole alone
a heart beats by its own accord
it's not worth the drop after so much hope
the crashes, the falls
always so hard on the soul
the mind plays games
the heart pays the admission
there is nothing to gain
only regret at having gone down the path again
to have never yearned for another's heart
is to have never cried because of denial
is to have never burned because of withdrawal
can't imagine anything is worth all this
the rise and falls
the cries, the tears
unsure of ones own perceptions and judgements
the battering after another realization that you aren't enough
just isn't worth all this
I wasn't built to fall
Despite all appearances
I shatter when I hit bottom
and yet the eyes won't stay
the heart won't heal
the soul can't mend
the mind grasps desperately to logic
emotion pulls at the fingers of reason
destroying their grip
releasing the paranoia
allowing the fears to be free
the tears flow
the heart bleeds
the soul dies
and yet the mind keeps trying to reason...
there is something wrong with me
I feel it deep
undeniably wrong, impossibly ingrained
and I can't stop it
I don't know what else to do
can't feel normal
can't be normal
never quite fit
never quite right
there'll always be something wrong
i'll never more than "fine"
and I'll always be on the cusp of it all
even among those most like me
I stand alone
from the crowd I'm on the edges
never quite in the circle
never entirely ignored
I don't cry in life
So I write instead
A little dark
But its me
Old Words
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